Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
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Childbirth is so beautiful
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!