Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
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Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park