See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.