See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me :
All Day At Night
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.