Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
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ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Tier 3 meme
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
“What?”
– Jude
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
these can’t be my only options
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Vodka burrito was a success
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler