My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Oh. My. God.
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Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?