My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
me as a parent
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great