me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My Sentiments Exactly
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.