Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
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My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?