My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.