Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
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I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Today’s Times
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
bro what is going on at twitter
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions