When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
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ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.