TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
🙂🙃🥹
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’