him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
You Might Also Like
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.