After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I need to update my racial profile.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough