[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
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Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.