Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
You saw nothing. I am ham.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.