Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.