Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.![]()
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Writing, She Murdered.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.