[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?