I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”