I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
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[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
termite twitter scares me
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives