[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Nice try Hitler
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Wikigenius
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
How about daylight saves us for once
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.