can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
You Might Also Like
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
The cashier just checked me out.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*seductively eats two tums*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Lmao 🤣
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion