Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
You Might Also Like
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.