Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.