They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.