*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
You Might Also Like
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
boat question
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*