you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Admin smashed it 😂
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there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.