you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
wtf is a larm clock?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.