I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
WWE is French for “yes”
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*