My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*