just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
School be like