It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Thanks to a fan for this one!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
A choir of Spring onions
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.