*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
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In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream