Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

You Might Also Like


Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.


Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.


I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.


I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.


Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?


Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.


Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.


I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see


If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore


“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”