@_kayditty

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

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@Jake_Vig

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

@Carbosly

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

@nealbrennan

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

@TheToddWilliams

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

@KateWhineHall

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

@ElKnuckelhombre

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

@theshantilly

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@clichedout

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded