I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.