Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
put ‘er there pardner!
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
did it work
your elf on the shelf was delicious