During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Beware of the dog..
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE