đź‘€
You Might Also Like
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumĂ© says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete