Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
You Might Also Like
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.