Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
this isn’t threatening at all
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Breaking news:
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur