I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I hope google does well on my son’s test
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it