“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
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saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I love the National Park Service.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”