Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

[doctors exam]

“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”

-uh oh, what does that mean doc?

“it means you’re fat”

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter: