“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

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[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body


The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.


A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.


[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.


Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it


I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song


Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.


I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze


I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.