Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Love this one 😂🧟
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I’ve had worse
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop