How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator