During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Dune (2021)
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
they split up moments later
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: