My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
😩😩😩
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
those birds must be on payroll
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.