[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
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[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
The prophecy is fulfilled
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.