Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.