Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to