I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
🙀🙀🙀😹