Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.