My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.