I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
OH. COME. ON.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*